they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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