Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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