All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
