my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
