In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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