I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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