he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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