I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
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Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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