I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
