seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
