She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
