We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
