You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
