How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
