I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
