Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
