I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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