I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
