dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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