well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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