Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
