apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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