When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
