I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
