I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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