I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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