I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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