i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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