the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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