Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
