my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
