You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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