Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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