apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
