There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
