the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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