surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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