I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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