I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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