I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
