So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
