Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
