I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
