Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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