That's when you crack a 10am beer
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
