omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
