i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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