Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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