On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
