Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
that may or may not have been my penis.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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