The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
