After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What a dumb baby whore.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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