your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
