why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
